Helping our Wounded Warriors

Art,

Tom Forman here, I wanted to let you know that I have been working extensively with the Wounded Warriors over the past year teaching them Combat Cane Fighting.  I have had great success with helping the Marines and now the Army wants to have me start teaching their wounded soldiers. 

Please take a look at www.valhallasecurity.com and you will see a link on the home page at the bottom right, that link will direct you to the Warrior Cane Program.  I am expanding the Wounded Warrior Combat Cane Program so that we can train Wounded Warriors as Instructors and get them working with their Brothers and Sisters in Arms.  You will see that there is a donation tab, I am getting this out to anyone who may have an interest in donating canes to our Wounded Warrior Veterans.  These cane donations are 100% tax deductible.

Also, please forward this to anyone you may think would want to help our Wounded Warriors.

Thank you.

Stay Safe, Be Ready!  TM

Thomas S. Forman

Valhalla Training Company

Valhalla Shooting Club

236 South Third St. #316

Montrose, Colorado 81401

Cynical thougts for a lazy Sunday afternoon

In the fog of youth, a Sunday afternoon nap was a spontaneous, passionate, somewhat sinful romp under the covers; followed by a snooze of satisfaction.  Today, a Sunday afternoon nap’s only concern about positions is: “Which sofa do you want?’

In response to the rhetorical political palaver being spewed by pundits of both sides of any issue, I retorted with a “Fair & Balanced” barrage of methane tainted comments.

 What a bad day, being stuck in traffic on a hot afternoon while the man in the next car is harvesting the stalactites & stalagmites from his nasal caverns.  YOU’RE A NOT INVISIBLE IN YOUR CAR!!!

The remembrances of your hometown can be a pleasant interlude into a simpler times; the curse of reality is returning home for a visit.

Poets say your first love is you best and most exciting; to insure you maintain this illusion, never attend your high school reunion.

Doctor’s now say that moderate alcohol intake is good for the memory.  Great, so all these years of drinking to forget are just wasted time?

Darwin could not see that our evolution might turn us into obese albinos from spending no time outside or getting exercise.  Why should we, our cell phone do it all.

When cloning is perfected it will eliminate all need for sexual intercourse & marriage.  Just a world of “Mini  Mes”  running around agreeing with each other.

There must be a God & God must have a sense of humor.  Why else would everything fun in life be illegal, immoral, or fattening.

It has always impressed me how important & intimidating political crisis are and how they seem to tame so quickly; when  Congressional or Presidential vacations are scheduled.

The proponents of TGIF (Thank God it’s Friday) must all be single & have never faced  the dreaded Saturday “Honey Do” list.

If reality TV is reality; I’ll take fiction.

Valhalla Shooting Club Texas

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I am proud to announce that I am now associated with the Valhalla Shooting Club Texas, opening soon in Addison.  This is the newest and most innovative concept in Shooting and Training facilities in the nation.  With its beginnings in Colorado, Valhalla has grown into an internationally recognized corporate, public, military, and law enforcement facility for specialized self-defense protection training; not only in the safety & proficiency of firearms usage, but also in hand to hand, knife, & cane fighting techniques.

Whether you are twenty, or over eighty, the training and confidence building will be customized to your needs & abilities.  This is not your Grandfather’s shooting range.  Moving and specialized targets, as well as scenarios, are prepared to give you a unique lifelike adventure.  All this in a highly comfortable Country Club atmosphere that will allow you to proudly bring your clients, wife, family, or to show new potential clients how you can think outside the box.

Centrally located in Addison, Texas, Valhalla is within minutes of Addison Airport, several hotels and within a short drive on the tollway to downtown Dallas, DFW airport and Love Field. Viewing this link:),Valhalla Shooting Club introduces the Valhalla Shooting Club, Texas concept with a clips from Valhalla Founder, Thomas Forman, ABC World News & a Comedy Central segment shot at Valhalla’s first location in Colorado.

Some of Valhalla’s current members include:  General Norman Schwarzkopf, Mr. & Mrs. Ted Nugent, Vice President. & Mrs. Dan Quayle & Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  Corporate clients include Cartier, HP, and Texas Instruments.

We anticipate opening in early 2012. Currently, we are considering applications for our “Founding 50” members, who will enjoy special membership benefits and privileges.

The Robb Report stated Valhalla is: “One of the six most essential memberships in the world.” 

Please contact me for even more specific information.   I look forward to discussing  the adventure & advantages of Valhalla with you soon.

Sincerely,

Ramblin' Thoughts

Many people like to start each morning with a "Thought for the Day".  So here are some of my skewed thoughts that intrigue, disturb, or just make me laugh.

 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

After my death, my hair and nails will continute to grow for three days, my writings, however, will taper off dramatically

I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.

 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

We don’t need Gun Control, we need Bureaucrat Control

 

People go to Heaven for climate & to Hell for the conversation - Mark Twain

 

Man is King of his castle; when the Queen is out of earshot

 

I have an robotic vacuum/floor sweeper & a robotic pool cleaner, but someone will make a Kazillion dollars when they invent a "robotic" wife

 

Sooner or later, he who stratles the fence will be singing tenor

 

The economy has also affected the Amish.  Yesterday, I passed one of their carriages being pulled by a Shetland pony

 

Without the Ethanol subsidy, we can get back to using corn for its God given purpose:  Moonshine

 

I am beginning to wonder if there are more Repulican candidates; than there are Republicans

 

Politics has become so expensive it takes millions of dollars to "lose" an election

 

LASTLY: I know I am an old curmudgeon, but bicycles on the streets & highways really scare and irritate me.  You may call it "exercise", but I call it a "deathwish"

 

HAVE A NICE DAY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aliens vs Undocumented

Watching and listening to the media, we hear more and more "politically correct" terms.  Politicians, attorneys, and the media, love to bandy and use our language for their own biased purposes.  A prime example was President Clinton's answer while being interrogated about his relationship with Monica Lewinsky.  "Define sex."

We have those same enigmatic terms being tossed about everyday.  An "illegal alien" is reported as an
"undocumented alien".  To insure we properly discuss these two terms without any prejudicial misunderstanding on my part, below are synonyms/definitions, from Webster's New World dictionary.

ILLEGAL:  Synonyms: criminal, felonious, illegitimate, illicit, lawless, unlawful, wrongful
UNDOCUMENTED:    lacking necessary documents (as for e.g. permission to live or work in a country); "undocumented aliens"; "undocumented tax deductions")

Therefore, if someone with malice of forethought and intent, enters this country to gain wrongful/illegitimate employment or obtain any form of support from the government, they are "intentionally and continuously" committing crimes.  To intentionally, illegally enter the United States to become pregnant and have automatic citizen children is "conspiracy and fraud' perpetrated against the true citizens, taxpayers, and all local, state, and federal governments.

Many people call these aliens, "Undocumented" and state they aid the economy doing jobs "Americans" won't do.  They focus on lawn services, harvesting fruits & vegetables, maid services, car washes, etc.  My question is "Who did these jobs before we had this influx of wonderful menial laborers?"  WE DID.  As teenagers, to pay for our cars, fuel, insurance, and "dating" money, we washed cars, mowed lawns, painted houses, & worked with our parents in their stores  We even, HEAVEN FORGIVE OUR PARENTS, made our own beds, took out the trash, did laundry, dishes, & dusted. No wonder our generation requires so much therapy.  What terrible parental training to "force" your children to accept responsibility, learn teamwork, and (EGAD!!) be part of a family.

Let's be "Fair & Balanced" on this point.  If indeed, we are going to call, anyone who purposely commits a crime "Undocumented" rather than "Illegal", this politically motivated attitude must include everyone.    For example,  shouldn't we have called John Dillinger, an Undocumented Banker, Al Capone and "Da Boys"  were just Undocumented liquor distributors, & the Jesse James Gang, simply Undocumented transportation (train/stagecoach) inspectors.

ILLEGAL IS ILLEGAL.  WHAT IS SO DAMN DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND. LET LAW ENFORCEMENT, NOT POLITICIANS WANTING VOTES, ENFORCE THE LAW.

Enough, I need a drink.  "Carmelita, it's Martini time again" Shoot, I would get much better service, if I could speak Spanish.






Related Words actual, authentic, bona fide, genuine, real, right; documented, established; confirmable, reliable, supportable, sustainable, verifiable; demonstrable, provable; incontestable, incontrovertible, indisputable, irrefutable, undeniable, unquestionable; plain, simple; certain, undoubted

Save the West Texas Lizards - Who really needs Oil

Below is a link concerning the government's further attempts to stop drilling in America.
Not only are they attempting to put this lizard on the endangered species list, but also a seahorse that inhabits the gulf areas. Life as we know it should never disturb the lizards and seahorses; or impede their natural predators from having a bountiful buffet luncheon.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/05/10/saving-dunes-sagebrush-lizard-kill-oil-production/

Sure, we lose thousands of jobs in the energy sector and ranching.  The price of oil, gasoline, and food would soar to new heights.  To heat or cool your house or office you have to take out a second or third mortgage. But hey, how could we possibly justify our existence or our grand children's lives, if this lizard and seahorse are deprived of their extremely limited habitat.

Just further proof that the Lunatics in our government's regulatory commissions are running the Asylum

Medal of Onery

Often when writing blogs or doing twitter, one wonders if anyone is really cares.   Is it just family and friends that out of love encourage you to continue. Are they really humorous to others and worthy of a read?

 

Today, however, I am honored to announce that one of my twitter quotes has been mentioned and forwarded by one of the world's greatest publishers. Okay, Okay, lots of people name drop, well here I go!

 

Below is the quote, and proof of its usage by Hugh Hefner, Owner Playboy magazine.  Wow what a belated birthday present.

 

I feel like I was just awarded the "Medal of Onery".

 

 

@PlayboyOwnerHugh Hefner

RT @FoiblesbyArthur: Everyday on the news another "secret" child is announced. With this standard of ethics and morality, Hugh Hefner may...

26 Mayvia dlvr.itFavoriteRetweetReply

 

---

"Here's another fine mess you got me in Stanley"

Evidence the recession is upon us

I just received precise evidence that the economy is proverbially "up the creek without paddle".
My friend and fellow "Sooner"  Lyn Fisher sent me the following symptomatic indicators.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands, because they can no longer afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exon-Mobil has laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I met a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns a check marked "insufficient funds"  do they mean you or them.
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie just adopted an American child.
Parents in Beverly Hills are firing nannies and learning their children's names.
My cousin just had an exorcism,  when she couldn't pay, they re-possessed her.
The Border patrol just caught a truckload of Americans sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.

We rest our case.

MARITAL BLISS

There are numerous articles, radio, and television programs dedicated to the social interaction between men and women.  From the sensationalism of Jerry Springer to the emotionally tear filled Oprah vignettes. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"and other books expound the differences between the "Nester" gene of women and the "Hunter/Gather" gene in men.  Most of the authors are psychiatrist, psychologists, or self-proclaimed media experts in this field.

I intend, with this article, to express my opinion and thoughts on how to maintain a successful long term relationship, whether it be marital or cohabitation.  As for my qualifications, it was on the job training and extensive personal research; under the tutelage and example of those great marital scholars, Mickey Rooney, Elizabeth Taylor, and Hugh Hefner.  There's three aces for you. Want a full house?   Add any two of the Gabor sisters.

Having researched the marriage phenomenon three times, I am proud to say my "current" experiment has lasted over 26 years. Eureka, I have discovered the secret to a lasting relationship.
Is it "truth and disclosure"?  Two way communications with the others needs in mind?  Is it the agape love between two individuals or the loving act of compromise?

NOPE!!!!

The secret to multiple years of happiness and a less stressful relationship is:  Separate Toilets.
There is nothing that can be more beneficial and better help alleviate the "stench" of divorce proceedings than Privy Privacy.  Every year I put on my Christmas list:  "All I want is ten uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom." 

For some reason, every time I enter the bathroom,God, with his sense of humor, always makes the phone ring.  My wife, for some inexplicable reason,each time I close the bathroom door, in our modest abode, suddenly imagines I have been kidnapped by gypsies or pirates.  She immediately starts yelling and scouring the house for my location.  "Arthur, where are you?"  is the cry of the bewildered female of the species. There are only so many rooms in our house.  It should not take Sherlock Holmes to deduce my whereabouts.

After reassuring her that I not in mortal danger, she always asks the second and more mind boggling question.  "What are you doing"    I have terminal whiplash from shaking my head each time I hear this question.  My answers have been everything from: knitting a sweater, writing my will, to rotating my shoe trees. I find very limited options of activities in the toilet.  Do you women know something we men are missing?

So take the advice of a three time researcher. 

For marital bliss:  Exercise Privy Privacy and lock the door.

WAS THAT THUNDER???

Whether you are listening to the radio or watching television, it is apparent, we can never get away from the plethora of advertisements on the advantages of a healthy diet. From omega-3 to flaxseed, we are inundated with miracle cures and additives. The miracle food source in my household appears to be “fiber”.

This natural gift from Mother Nature comes in many forms and flavors.  Beans, cabbage, broccoli, cereals, and other less flavorful fiber sources, often have the consistency of cardboard or Styrofoam. Although they may be low-calorie, they must be anointed with enough fatty butters, or sauces to hide their natural lack of taste. Fiber is the natural chimney sweep of our intestinal tracts. They diligently removes those nasty little toxins which metamorphose a man's youthful six-pack to an old man's beer barrel belly.

Our loved ones, as well as, medicinal pitchmen through all the Medias are highly concerned about our regularity. If we are not as regular as a Rolex, our eyes will bulge, our tempers flare, and life as we know it on Earth will cease to exist. However, that superhero of digestion, fiber, will save the day. Luckily, my friends and family do not wish me to become the ogre of irregularity, and as such; I am fed enough fiber to sustain a Clydesdale.  It would not surprise me, if one evening for dinner, I simply have a bale of hay on my plate.

As all good remedies have side effects, so does fiber. The most frequent and common effect of fiber was eternally inscribed to us by an anonymous first grader; when he quoted the immortal words.

“Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot.”

This inopportune event can occur at the most embarrassing moments; the silence in church, or riding an elevator. It most often occurs while relaxing at home with ones loving spouse. It is a scientific fact, that the amount of fiber ingested is directly proportionate to the output’s magnitude.  In order to avoid embarrassment, I normally ask if anyone else “heard the thunder”. Evidently, on one occasion, the impending storm caused my neighbor to run out of his house, look at the sky, and immediately put the top up on his convertible.

As we become, seasoned citizens, it is imperative to watch our weight and eat a healthy, balanced diet. Living in the southwest, Texas, we are all familiar with and used to the numerous spring thunderstorms. So if you wish to have a quiet spring, resign yourself to having a chubby hubby.  If you want, a sagging skinny soul mate, always remember these loving words:

“Was that thunder?????”

"Thanks a yacht Texas"

I often wonder if our elected officials, be they local, state, or federal, should have a special rehab facility just for them.  They drift in and out of reality, more often than Cheech and Chong lit bongs.

Below is a link to an article concerning our Texas legislators considering giving purchasers of Yachts over $250,000.00 a break on the state's sales tax.  This bill will allegedly guarantee that these overt nautical purchasers will remain in Texas; as opposed to saving thousands of dollars in other markets like Florida.  It worked for John Kerry.   As a good Scotsman, I love to save money.  We Scots love to drink hate to pay for it.

THE BELOW LINK IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT ENDORSED NOR REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THIS AUTHOR.

http://thinkprogress.org/2011/05/02/texas-yacht-tax-break/

We, our elected representatives, always amaze me by enacting laws, spending money for projects of dire necessity for every man, and child, or regulations to insure we use the correct light bulb or toilet tissue.
Darwin's evolutionary theories obviously only apply to elected officials; who must slowly bring we monkeys into the light of their superior reasoning abilities.

Examples of these superior minds include a couple of Oklahoma laws, which are still on the books.

1.  "Prior to crossing a railroad track, you must stop you buggy and wave you illuminated lantern twice before crossing. "  I obeyed this law last time was driving through Oklahoma.  I stopped my car and was walking toward the tracks to wave my flashlight; when I was rear ended by an Amish horse cart.  Try explaining that to your insurance adjuster.
2.  "it is illegal to feed or give alcohol to fish."  I can certainly understand the necessity of this law; as can anyone who has had a bad experience with a drunken Carp.  Would someone please explain to me "how" you give or feed alcohol to fish.  Perhaps, pickled worms or olives on the hook, Budweiser for bait.  The mind boggles.

The federal government is now spending money to study (I kid you not) the drinking habits of Chinese prostitutes.  I know we have all been losing sleep over this growing problem for the Chinese.  But what about our good American prostitutes, don't they deserve some free drinks or visits from Congressmen and their aides.  Remember: "Behind every good politician is a good woman and behind her is his wife."

LET'S ALL RALLY AROUND THE IMPORTANT ISSUES AS ENACTED BY OUR LEADERS:

Cowboy Poetry, Sobering Chinese Prostitutes,  and keep our Texas lakes filled with local yachts.

Now that's what I call leading by example.  Hoo Rah

ALREADY BACK PEDDLING ON USAMA'S DEATH

Normally, my blogs are laced with humor.  The below actions of the White House have infuriated me. 

Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary has made statements today that Usama Bin Laden was not
armed when he was shot by the Navy Seal team.  He further stated that UBL did resist this action, and that "resistance does not require him being armed."

"Carney said the decision to kill rather than capture bin Laden was made by forces on the ground, not by the White House, which earlier authorized the rehearsed raid that included contingincies for but no expectations of capture."  Quoting an NBC News report.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have seen pictures of the President and his staff watching this raid on a "live"satellite feed.  How did they miss these details when the President made  his statements and Mr. Carney, etal made their comments at the press conference yesterday.  I never heard any derogatory comments on this action, only praise for the President's courageous decision.

Today, the White House denies making the decision to use "deadly force"; instead those "kill crazy" Seals made the decision on the ground.  According to certain media sources,WE veterans, with our Bibles and guns, are the lunatic fringe.

The lives, limbs, and sacrifice of our Armed Forces have kept our country great from the Revolutionary war, through WWI, WWII, and continue with these heroes today.  Leadership, whether from a Sargeant in a platoon or the Captain of ship accepts total responsibility for the mission and total loyalty to his troops.

SEMPER FI TO ONE AND ALL

In my opinion, the Administrations, comments above show a total lack of leadership by the "Commander in Chief" and cowardice the defence of America.

Arthur Cantrell

May 1st

Hitler died:  May 1, 1945
Bin Laden died:  May 1, 2011
Charlie Sheen's Divorce is final:  May 1, 2011

A coincidence?   I don't think so!!!!

Songs for the Day

Let's follow the bouncing ball and all sing:  "Usama lies under the Ocean"

I got some special covert intel, that states the CIA got the address from Godfather's Pizza

This could really help Herman Cain's campaign.

Hoo Rah

To all our veterans and active military, with a special salute of appreciation for our covert operatives in the Navy Seals and Marine Corps..

Semper Fi

Hats

In the fifties, it was common for American men and women to wear hats.  This fashion trend, like so many others was terminated when politicians/celebrities showed us a path of nonconformity.
In the thirties, all men wore Tee shirts, under their dress or casual shirts.  Clark Gable shocked the nation by barring his chest in a famous 1939 movie.  Tee shirt sales plummeted. 

Hats met their end when JFK was inaugurated topless.  Not only did this debilitate the Hat industry, but it gave men the freedom to no longer enter Ladies hat stores and make the nauseating decision whether his wife would prefer a bird's nest, wax fruit salad, or mosquito netting for their
nearly forgotten anniversary present.

But, HORROR OF HORRORS, is the hat back.   At the royal wedding this week, grotesque coifs (now known as "Fascinators") appeared everywhere.  One woman was dressed all in royal blue from heels to dress to gloves and finally what appeared to be a squashed grape or airport windsock on her head.  A royal princess appeared to be wearing "antlers".  I would advise her during "moose" season to stay as far away as possible from Sara Palin.

This just might be the last straw (no pun intended) to either boost or destroy our economy.  The priorities of men and women will be tested again with another item of need.  The old Mars/Venus syndrome. 

I know at my house, when I state I am off to buy some necessary snake bite medicine (Scotch) or need to replenish our ammunition supply; I get "the look" and lecture on wasting money.  Heaven forbid I should question the necessity of fresh flowers, catnip, or now a new hat. 
What is "fascinating" for women is "fodder" for male cocktail conversation.

So beware and be ready.  Those joyous days of "topless" delight are over. 

Does Walmart sell "straw skimmers' or "Fedoras"?

UPDATE CANTRELL FOR PRESIDENT

HOO RAH.. Within forty-eight hours of forming my "Exploratory Committee", Governors Barbour has confirmed and Huckabee is rumored to have dropped out of the race.

To alleviate the anxiety of the GOP, I will run my campaign strictly through the neutral party, which is
predicated on "Common Sense" and not the "Bubba network of Political compromise and correctness".

Our party:  The Stag Party will not be concerned with pleasing everyone to insure re-election.  I feel one term, if improperly handled and with the transparency of a midnight on a moonless night, will be enough to take care of all loyal Stags for the rest of their lives.

Will we?

Cure the economy with more jobs - Veterans, Senior Citizens (now known as "Seasoned Citizens) and Entrepreneurs of all ages, races, and religions will get be welcomed not chastised.
End the wars overseas  (in the future we will "contract security" )  -  John Gotti's name is in consideration for Secretary of Defense.  A Presidential pardon might be necessary.
Drill Baby Drill  -  will be our most earnest policy -  We already have the support of the American Dental Association

Will we accomplish these and other burning issues:  SURE, WHY NOT!!!!)   Quote:  Pat Paulsen, 1968.

The Committee is growing with unpaid volunteers, who have firm expectations in my integrity to appoint them to high paying cushy government positions.

Well it is Happy Hour in London.  Time for me to return to the campaign trail,  a tough job, but someone has to do it.

"Make mine Scotch"

A VOTE FOR CANTRELL IS A VOTE.

ABSOLUTELY NOT ENDORSED BY THE AARP, NPR, ABC. CBS, NBC, PDQ, RSVP

Homeland Security

General Patraeus should be the new director of Homeland Security; instead of the CIA.

Our border needs a "warrior"  to insure it is secure.

CANTRELL FOR PRESIDENT

I am announcing today the formation of an"Exploratory Presidential Committee" concerning my possible entry into the 2012 Presidential election.  After all the numerous committees being formed by "maybe"
candidates; such as Trump, Paul, Huckabee, Palin, and Bachman, and after consuming several "Martinis",  I became convinced it was my duty to throw my Stetson in the ring.  Unfortunately,
the ring was my spa and chlorine and beaver hats are not compatible.

Here are some reasons, I feel I would be a good "Maybe" candidate for this great office:

1.  I have absolutely no political experience
2.  I never attended Harvard or any Ivy League school
3.  I am not rich -  I know how it is to budget/ paycheck to paycheck
4.  I believe as Jackie Gleason  did:  "If you feel money is the root of all evil; you don't know where to shop."  "The Entrepreneurs shall rise again."
5.  I believe all men are created equal; as did the great equalizer:  Samuel Colt
6. Ninety-nine percent of the time, the proper reply or vote on most spending bills in Congress is: "Bullshit!"
7. People outside Nevada should not have to pay for Cowboy Poets, and we people outside DC
need not pay for Cherry Blossom parades.

I also feel this is necessary to honor those great men in the past that have had to courage to run for President,  I am, of course speaking of W. C. Fields, 1935 and Pat Paulsen, 1968.  I especially enjoyed Mr. Fields' campaign soliloquy:  "How not to pay Federal Income Tax and what to do and see while at Alcatraz."  Quite inspiring.

Attached is just a sampling of Pat Paulsen's "almost to the point" campaign:

In closing, to paraphrase Groucho Marx:  "I would never live in a country that would have me as its President"

"Hail to the Chef "-  no really, I am hungry

DONATIONS TO THE CANTRELL FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN WILL BE GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED IN MOST VARIETIES OF LIQUID ASSETS. -

Coitus Interruptus: The Revenge of Rocky

An old adage states:  "In the Spring a man's heart turns to Love".  Mother Nature or her Cupid
injects this hormonal arrow in her animal kingdom friends, as well. 

As I sat at my computer writing articles, blogs, twits, and occasionally doing some real work, I could see through large windows the backyard pool area.  Across the pool my English wife's garden is ablaze with more colors than an LSD trip.  A large Chinese Persimmon tree guards and shades all these flowers from as much wind and damage as possible.  An eight foot cedar fence surrounds the entire scene and provides the necessary privacy for "adult" swimming and Margarita sipping during warm Happy Hours.

This Persimmon tree, during the fall and early winter, feeds the entire neighborhood's birds and squirrels.
As the leaves fall, the pungent fruit turns from orange to black.  The riper/ranker the fruit the better the cuisine for the squirrels and birds to battle over.  It also makes one hell of a mess around the pool and stains the driveway.

In the spring this tree, full of leaves, and overhanging the fence, is the favorite runway and resort for Rocky the Squirrel and his associates.  A mammal Disney World, right here in Dallas, Texas.
This spring afternoon, as I stared out the wind attempting to locate my muse in the clouds (daydreaming), I saw Rocky and another squirrel chattering to each other and then running into each others arms.

I swear I could hear an imaginary orchestra playing a surging violin theme as the little lovers ran in slow motion toward each other (obviously, they had been watching too many sugary Julie Andrews movies).  Their romantic interlude turned into violent lust and carnal activities.  I was transfixed.

Rocky's eyes met mine.  In a defiant gesture, he raised his paw and presented me with a specific rodent finger.  Properly chastised, I turned my eyes out of respect and disgust. Then the unthinkable happened.

Our old fat cat Raffles ran around the pool and hissed at the lovers on the fence.  The mood was gone and so was Rocky and his quickie partner.  I laughed loud enough to be heard outside.  After all, Raffles the cat was so slow, she couldn't catch a cold.  If she had a credit card, she would be the ACME company's best customer since Wylie Coyote.  She could not hit the top of the fence with a cannon or trampoline.

Rodent porn and kitty coitus interruptus, what an interesting, yet bizarre way to spend a spring afternoon.  Little did I know that Act 3 was about to begin and that I would play an integral
role in "Rocky's Revenge".

My peaceful interlude was shortlived.  The silence was broken by Raffle's (the Rambo of cats) howl as if  preparing for a fight.  I looked up to see the Persimmon tree shaking, limbs bobbing up and down, leaves pelting the pool.  Curiosity, which can kill a cat, but is seldom fatal for an elder father of two daughters, overcame me. Totally unarmed, I went to the deck through the patio door to investigate.
Raffles passed me going out the door at a speed that should have broken the sound barrier.  Seeing me, she attempted to stop, but did several 360 degrees slides on the tile before hitting the sofa.  Regaining her composure she positioned herself between my feet. 

The tree stopped moving.  Rocky leapt from a top limb onto the top of the fence.  His body language, eyes, and barking chatter made his position clear.  This was a vermine with a vendetta.  If I could have translated his "barking", I sure it would have made a Marine Drill Instructor blush.  Raffles and I had spoiled his afternoon delight and he was ready to fight.  It was "showdown" time.

Raffles was now pushing me forward from behind.  I had my orders and bravely clapped my hands and yelled:  "Git"  It took two thunderous claps and my deepest sternest "Gits" before Rocky jumped off the fence and ran down the alley.  I considered pounding my chest and letting out a Tarzan yell of triumph.  After all, do you know how much courage and fortitude it takes for a 200lb unarmed man to back down a angry 2 lb squirrel. 

Raffles now strolled easily in front of me.  Looking back over her shoulder, she gave me the official cat look of dismissal and distain.  She had finished with me and no longer needed my company.
Adrenaline pumping through my veins after this duel of wills, I decided to stay outside and clean the Kreepy Krawly (pool sweep) filter basket.  It was totally full of leaves and impeding the KK from working efficiently. 

I got on my hands and knees and began pulling the hoses and basket toward me.  Raffles curiousity made her approach to see what I was doing.  She immediately lost interest after spotting a "catnip"
plant about two feet behind me.  Euphoria, Raffles getting high on catnip, and I, on all fours was leaning in the pool.

I never heard the attack.  It was a blitzkreig.  Rocky now a flying squirrel landed screaming like a banchee on Raffles back.  Raffles in total panic leapt several feet in the air landing on my head.
I leapt. 

Time and space stopped.  Raffles and I, in mid air, looked at each other, then we looked down.  No ground, just water.  The water was cold.  The panic was immediate.  I wondered why I was not swimming easily to the surface; then I realized Raffles had impaled herself on my back.  We surfaced and I struggled to get both of us to the side where we could hold on.  Cold, shaking, and out of breath, we looked up to see Rocky; standing triumphantly dry and nodding his head in a cocky fashion.
Slowly, Rocky turned and strutted away.

I swear the little "son of bitch" was smiling.

Divorce from Reality

Arizona Sheriff Bebeu has coined a great new "buzz phrase"  "Divorced from Reality"

Wow!!!!  This can apply to Congressional decisions and debates, most Federal regulatory agencies,
the Administration, and our foreign policy. 

It also seems to be appropriate whenever I have romantic urgings at home.

Thomas Jefferson said: "The government governs best when it governs least."

Perhaps the boys and girls in DC should stay after school and write this one thousand times on the blackboard.

Ramblings on Thursday

Great offers from Cancun/Cabo Hotels - you get a free bottle of champagne and a complimentary bulletproof vest cigrp.com

My wife must be Cajun - everything she cooks is blackened

Aren't "Nonessential" government jobs like "illegal" aliens. Does the federal government need to spend our money on a dictionary?

I guess when Obama quotes Jefferson, he must mean George not Thomas

In Memorium

Please join me in Remembering Yet Another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

TRIVIAL THOUGHTS FOR HUMPDAY

 

 

 

Nostradamus predicted the future. So did Shakespeare by saying: "Full of Sound and Fury, signifying nothing." He predicted: Charlie Sheen.

 

It is a terrible tragedy, when it takes a major earthquake, Tsunami, and loss of life to show the media that Charlie Sheen is not newsworthy.

 

With the fear of Tsunamis and earthquakes, can you imagine if God gave the following instructions to build an Ark?

 

CONGRESS: When the water rises just below their noses, they will agree to pass a temporary petition; before taking a week off.

 

THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION: Call the Unions and hit the golf course.

 

HOLLYWOOD: Highly concerned multi-millionaire celebrities will have their illegal help build the Ark; which can only turn to the left.

 

TED NUGENT OF TEXAS: All cabins will have gun racks. There will be deep sea fishing chairs, tackle, and rods on the stern next to the beer cooler. The animals will come on two by two and straight into the meat locker.

 

 

Quote of the day

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.

Raymond Chandler

 

Cheers,

 

Art

Problem Solver

Winston Churchill said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

NO JOB, NEED MONEY, AND PEACE OF MIND. Here are few suggestions

1. Assess your talents, desires, and priorities
   
2. Love what you do and Do what you love
   
3. Desperation causes mistakes; it is a waste of your time, health, and money.
   
4. When you ask for advice, you can get money or a job. If directly ask for money or a job, you will get advice.
   

acantrell@cigrp.com

Let’s all volunteer to help the government spend our money

Jackie Gleason said: "If you think money can't buy happiness, you just don't know where to shop.

The government is one heck of a shopper - see below

And how is your money being spent? According to a recent report from The Heritage Foundation . . .

• The Securities and Exchange Commission spent $3.9 million rearranging desks and offices at its Washington, D.C., headquarters
  
• The decision of many federal employees to fly coach costs taxpayers $146 million annually
  
• Washington will spend $2.6 million training Chinese prostitutes to drink more responsibly on the job
  

Cryogenics

FYI

 

Any of you who visiting and helping themselves to ice or anything else from our freezers, please be advised:

 

Pauline has just received and invitation to join in the Suspended Animation/Cryogenics workshops and planning for preservation and reanimation in the future. Tray and Abby - you need to prepare your grandchildren for the possible reappearance of Pauline and her cats - be afraid, be very afraid

 

In the interim, I would be very careful what you retrieve from any our freezers - especially any unmarked bulky packages wrapped in aluminum foil and smelling of tea.

 

If, however, this is a murder plot - please look for me in the freezer section of your local supermarket.

 

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Arthur's Anecdotes -  will in a humorous way discuss subjects about your personal safety and security needs