PIGS ON A PLANE - NOT STARRING SAMUEL L. JACKSON

The FAA has recently approved the use and passage of "Service Animals" to accompany their owner/masters on commercial airlines.  These approved "Service Animals include, dogs, pigs, ponies, and monkeys.  They can be approved to fly as service companions,  not only for physical afflictions, such as blindness, but also as "therapeutic" aids to deal with psychological issues. In their, the FAA's wisdom, snakes, other reptiles, rodents, spiders, and scorpions are not allowed to be considered "Service Animals," as the release of these animals would pose an unavoidable risk to the safety and health of passengers and crew.

JetBlue and US Airways have had experience with these new rules and the problems that may happen during a flight.  This is the story of an ill fated flight from Washington DC to Seattle, Washington.  The Saga of Flight 1313.

Ms. X bought a First Class ticket on Flight 1313.  At that time, she advised the airlines, that she would be traveling with her well trained and certified, "Service Animal."  She, Ms X described her "Service Animal," a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig named, "Cuddles", as her necessary "Therapeutic Companion".  The pig, Ms. X stated was an experienced flier and weighed in at about 13 pounds.

On the day Flight 1313 was to take off, Ms. X and her companion were the last to arrive.  Ms. X timed their arrival just as last call was tendered and the doors were being closed.  All seemed well, with the exception of the fact that "Cuddles" weight, as provided by Ms. X was just a teeny bit off.  It seems Cuddles weighed 300 pounds, not 13 pounds. 

Flight 1313, now running late, decided to reconfigure the weight ratio and determined they still had enough fuel on board to make the flight.  They departed.  Upon lift off's rotation and climb out, Cuddles lost her balance and slid down the aisle, penning a hapless stewardess against the bulkhead wall. 

Upon reaching altitude and leveling off, Cuddles was able to regain her footing and return to be with Ms. X in First Class.  Cuddles was now calm and all hoped that Flight 1313 would continue without incident.

All went well, until the stewardesses began taking lunch orders.  As usual there was a choice of salads or sandwiches.  The man across the aisle from Ms. X without considering the consequences, ordered a 1/2 ham sandwich and a salad with extra bacon bits.

Cuddles, terrified of being lunch, panicked and broke free from the restraining arms of Ms. X.  STAMPEDE Cuddles ran up and down the aisle frantically oinking and anointing the passengers with pig poop and other unpleasant bodily excretions.  The three hundred pounder's running, jumping, and pounding was causing the plane to rock back and forth.  SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE.

To the rescue, came the Air Marshal, pistol drawn.  Because of the pig's erratic movement, the Air Marshal, thought better of using his pistol and decided instead to use his electroshock Taser on this porcine adversary. The Marshal shot and the pig stopped for a moment, but then continued to attack.  The Air Marshal upped the  charge and Cuddles fell at his feet.

The odor of smoked ham wafted through the entire cabin.  It entered the air system and was recirculated through the plane.  It was intoxicating with it's delicious aroma, hypnotizing the senses of the passengers and crew.  Their eyes glazed over, a rumbling of voices was heard to rise and fall.  It had to happen it was inevitable. Ukulele music was heard.  It started as a minor sound then grew and grew and grew -  UNTIL

A SPONTANEOUS LUAU ENSUED.  The stewardess, well trained for just such an occurrence, immediately began twirling and twirling until in a flash of light, their uniforms were transformed into Hula girl attire; complete with grass skirts and coconut bras. 

Floral leis fell from the overheads, as the stewardesses tried desperately to lei all the passengers and give them the traditional Hawaiian Aloha kiss.  Some passengers with children needed special attention to insure they leid their children first before leiing themselves.

Luckily, the pilot and co-pilot had on oxygen masks and were not affected by the aroma of the potential for pulled pork.  Grasping the FAA guide book covering all emergency situations, the Co-pilot began leafing through its contents for the correct situational guidelines.

"Let's see"  the Co-pilot mumbled as her perused the manual.
"Chapter one  - Bomb Threats, Chapter two - Skyjacking, Chapter three - Drunks fighting, Chapter four, Alec Baldwin on board." 
"Aha, here it is.  Chapter five, Spontaneous Luaus"  the Co-pilot was jubilant.

The manual stated the following procedures must be immediately initiated.
1.  Make an emergency call to FAA using the code FIVE O as a reference
2.   Immediately begin piping Don Ho's Tiny Bubbles and Elvis' Blue Hawaii through the plane's sound system
3.   Replace all liquors and only serve Mai Tais.  It is imperative you remember to raise the price of cocktails from the normal $4.00 per drink to the Honolulu price of $12.00 per Mai Tai.
4.  Request rerouting to Honolulu.  If fuel is an issue, demand rerouting to the nearest airport in a city with a Hawaiian name; such as Waikiki, Texas, Maui, Michigan, or Aloha, Alabama.

After closely following these procedures, I am happy to report the plane landed safely in Pearl Harbor, Pennsylvania. The stewardess/hula girls managed to keep all the frolicking passengers calm and happy; not to mention well fed and on a Mai Tai high.

There were very few injuries, during this Mai Tai melee.  Mrs. Edna Craddick-Smyth, 88, of Mule Shoe, Texas, sprained her ankle when her walker slipped out from under her during the crew/passenger Limbo finals.  One case of Poi poisoning was reported.  All injured or those passengers unable to walk (a straight line) were taken by surf boards to awaiting ambulances/paddy wagons.

With the new ruling by the FAA, allowing pigs/ponies, etc to fly, this automatically reduces the number of seats for passengers; not only will an Air Marshal be on board, but also a Veterinarian, and a dog whisperer/lion tamer.  Those with Service Animals will get priority for the coveted bulkhead seats

The TSA, after this ruling, is being phased out of their role to search all passengers at airport security entrances and is being replace by personnel from Barnum and Bailey.
This is essential no real change, just different clowns doing the "pat downs."

There have been protests to this ruling by anti-meat groups.  To meet the needs of this group, Richard Branson is now introducing his newest airline venture, "Vegan Airlines." On Vegan you are allowed to bring your Service Veggie, such as Carrots, Zucchini, the Vixen of the garden, Kumquats or even nibble on Cauliflower ears.  Virgin Airlines Olive Oil is available upon request.

So Bon Voyage  on your next flight and don't be surprised to hear - "This is your Captain Arnold Ziffel and Co Pilot Rin Tin Tin, oinking and barking, a  big Thank You for choosing AA - Animal Airlines

CONCEAL OR OPEN CARRY - A GENTLEMAN'S DELIMMA

Recently, there has been extensive discussion on the pros and cons of "Concealed Carry and Open Carry" of handguns in Texas.  There are over 400,000 concealed handgun permits currently in Texas; many of the licensees are women.

Rudyard Kipling's poem, "The Female of the Species" contains the line, "The Female of the Species must be deadlier than the Male." The Theme song from the movie "The Silencers" expounds the following image of the female of the species with these lyrics, from Femme Fatale, Cyd Charisse;"Don't need a gun, don't use a knife, my equipment is much more deadly, son."

I watch people.  My years as an investigator, have taught me to always observe my surroundings.  Yesterday, I ate lunch at "The Sweet Tomato" in Addison, Texas.  This is an all you can eat, salad, soups, pasta, pizza, baked potato, & dessert bar.  A fat boy with a big appetite's Valhalla.

As I ate, I was approached by an older woman, who stroked my hair, as she complimented me on the waves and its white sheen.  A few minutes later, a younger woman approached and said I have "vivid blue eyes".  Thanks to my Mother and Pappy for these genetic gifts. 

Looking around, I saw two women, one seated with a man in the booth to my right and another seated directly in front of me at nearby table.  Both of these women, totally different in ages and aplomb were openly carrying and not concealing their female
"Weapons of Master Destruction."  

I began to wonder, if I approached either or both of these women to compliment them on these attributes or at the very least "Openly Carried" for public viewing, and complimented (no stroking), would they react with a humble "Thank You", as I did with my two visitors or call the manager and cops to have me hauled off as a pervert?

The lady sitting across from me, was very skittish.  She had a tense and frightened look on her face.  Her rather bugish eyes kept bouncing from table to table, and side to side.  She reminded me of a fawn at a watering hole in constant fear of approaching predators.  With these characteristics, you would think she would be dressed in a "Concealed" prudish manner.  NOPE.  She had her blouse unbuttoned to a level, where her cleavage might as well have been accentuated with a neon sign; stating "Grand Opening".

In the booth, next to me, the lady was laughing and obviously a very extroverted individual.  She was tall and thin, with long blond hair.  Although she did not have an exceptionally pretty face, she was obviously compensating by wearing blue jeans that had to have been "sprayed on". Talk about "printing" (showing you handgun under a tight shirt), she was proud of her long legs and area where the person meets the saddle.

Princess Derriere had a great appetite and she paraded several times back and forth to the soup and pasta bars.  The motion resembled two puppies fighting under a blanket.
Raymond Chandler's quote came to mind.  "She was a woman. A woman the Pope would throw a rock through a stained glass window, just watch her walk away."

So there you have the dilemma of an older white haired gentleman, raised to be courteous and complimentary whenever possible.  The ladies can stroke my hair or compliment my blue eyes, but if I, with simple mannerly intent, mention "Open Carried" cleavage or the "Concealed but Printed Carried" rumble seat.
I would be "Persona non Grata" from my favorite restaurant & hospitalized if my wife found out.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

The female of the species don't need no stupid badges or permits, they are born with controlling equipment which will for eternity make them; "Deadlier than the Male."