"Here's another fine mess you got me in Stanley"

Evidence the recession is upon us

I just received precise evidence that the economy is proverbially "up the creek without paddle".
My friend and fellow "Sooner"  Lyn Fisher sent me the following symptomatic indicators.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands, because they can no longer afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exon-Mobil has laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I met a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns a check marked "insufficient funds"  do they mean you or them.
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie just adopted an American child.
Parents in Beverly Hills are firing nannies and learning their children's names.
My cousin just had an exorcism,  when she couldn't pay, they re-possessed her.
The Border patrol just caught a truckload of Americans sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.

We rest our case.

MARITAL BLISS

There are numerous articles, radio, and television programs dedicated to the social interaction between men and women.  From the sensationalism of Jerry Springer to the emotionally tear filled Oprah vignettes. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"and other books expound the differences between the "Nester" gene of women and the "Hunter/Gather" gene in men.  Most of the authors are psychiatrist, psychologists, or self-proclaimed media experts in this field.

I intend, with this article, to express my opinion and thoughts on how to maintain a successful long term relationship, whether it be marital or cohabitation.  As for my qualifications, it was on the job training and extensive personal research; under the tutelage and example of those great marital scholars, Mickey Rooney, Elizabeth Taylor, and Hugh Hefner.  There's three aces for you. Want a full house?   Add any two of the Gabor sisters.

Having researched the marriage phenomenon three times, I am proud to say my "current" experiment has lasted over 26 years. Eureka, I have discovered the secret to a lasting relationship.
Is it "truth and disclosure"?  Two way communications with the others needs in mind?  Is it the agape love between two individuals or the loving act of compromise?

NOPE!!!!

The secret to multiple years of happiness and a less stressful relationship is:  Separate Toilets.
There is nothing that can be more beneficial and better help alleviate the "stench" of divorce proceedings than Privy Privacy.  Every year I put on my Christmas list:  "All I want is ten uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom." 

For some reason, every time I enter the bathroom,God, with his sense of humor, always makes the phone ring.  My wife, for some inexplicable reason,each time I close the bathroom door, in our modest abode, suddenly imagines I have been kidnapped by gypsies or pirates.  She immediately starts yelling and scouring the house for my location.  "Arthur, where are you?"  is the cry of the bewildered female of the species. There are only so many rooms in our house.  It should not take Sherlock Holmes to deduce my whereabouts.

After reassuring her that I not in mortal danger, she always asks the second and more mind boggling question.  "What are you doing"    I have terminal whiplash from shaking my head each time I hear this question.  My answers have been everything from: knitting a sweater, writing my will, to rotating my shoe trees. I find very limited options of activities in the toilet.  Do you women know something we men are missing?

So take the advice of a three time researcher. 

For marital bliss:  Exercise Privy Privacy and lock the door.

WAS THAT THUNDER???

Whether you are listening to the radio or watching television, it is apparent, we can never get away from the plethora of advertisements on the advantages of a healthy diet. From omega-3 to flaxseed, we are inundated with miracle cures and additives. The miracle food source in my household appears to be “fiber”.

This natural gift from Mother Nature comes in many forms and flavors.  Beans, cabbage, broccoli, cereals, and other less flavorful fiber sources, often have the consistency of cardboard or Styrofoam. Although they may be low-calorie, they must be anointed with enough fatty butters, or sauces to hide their natural lack of taste. Fiber is the natural chimney sweep of our intestinal tracts. They diligently removes those nasty little toxins which metamorphose a man's youthful six-pack to an old man's beer barrel belly.

Our loved ones, as well as, medicinal pitchmen through all the Medias are highly concerned about our regularity. If we are not as regular as a Rolex, our eyes will bulge, our tempers flare, and life as we know it on Earth will cease to exist. However, that superhero of digestion, fiber, will save the day. Luckily, my friends and family do not wish me to become the ogre of irregularity, and as such; I am fed enough fiber to sustain a Clydesdale.  It would not surprise me, if one evening for dinner, I simply have a bale of hay on my plate.

As all good remedies have side effects, so does fiber. The most frequent and common effect of fiber was eternally inscribed to us by an anonymous first grader; when he quoted the immortal words.

“Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot.”

This inopportune event can occur at the most embarrassing moments; the silence in church, or riding an elevator. It most often occurs while relaxing at home with ones loving spouse. It is a scientific fact, that the amount of fiber ingested is directly proportionate to the output’s magnitude.  In order to avoid embarrassment, I normally ask if anyone else “heard the thunder”. Evidently, on one occasion, the impending storm caused my neighbor to run out of his house, look at the sky, and immediately put the top up on his convertible.

As we become, seasoned citizens, it is imperative to watch our weight and eat a healthy, balanced diet. Living in the southwest, Texas, we are all familiar with and used to the numerous spring thunderstorms. So if you wish to have a quiet spring, resign yourself to having a chubby hubby.  If you want, a sagging skinny soul mate, always remember these loving words:

“Was that thunder?????”

"Thanks a yacht Texas"

I often wonder if our elected officials, be they local, state, or federal, should have a special rehab facility just for them.  They drift in and out of reality, more often than Cheech and Chong lit bongs.

Below is a link to an article concerning our Texas legislators considering giving purchasers of Yachts over $250,000.00 a break on the state's sales tax.  This bill will allegedly guarantee that these overt nautical purchasers will remain in Texas; as opposed to saving thousands of dollars in other markets like Florida.  It worked for John Kerry.   As a good Scotsman, I love to save money.  We Scots love to drink hate to pay for it.

THE BELOW LINK IS FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT ENDORSED NOR REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THIS AUTHOR.

http://thinkprogress.org/2011/05/02/texas-yacht-tax-break/

We, our elected representatives, always amaze me by enacting laws, spending money for projects of dire necessity for every man, and child, or regulations to insure we use the correct light bulb or toilet tissue.
Darwin's evolutionary theories obviously only apply to elected officials; who must slowly bring we monkeys into the light of their superior reasoning abilities.

Examples of these superior minds include a couple of Oklahoma laws, which are still on the books.

1.  "Prior to crossing a railroad track, you must stop you buggy and wave you illuminated lantern twice before crossing. "  I obeyed this law last time was driving through Oklahoma.  I stopped my car and was walking toward the tracks to wave my flashlight; when I was rear ended by an Amish horse cart.  Try explaining that to your insurance adjuster.
2.  "it is illegal to feed or give alcohol to fish."  I can certainly understand the necessity of this law; as can anyone who has had a bad experience with a drunken Carp.  Would someone please explain to me "how" you give or feed alcohol to fish.  Perhaps, pickled worms or olives on the hook, Budweiser for bait.  The mind boggles.

The federal government is now spending money to study (I kid you not) the drinking habits of Chinese prostitutes.  I know we have all been losing sleep over this growing problem for the Chinese.  But what about our good American prostitutes, don't they deserve some free drinks or visits from Congressmen and their aides.  Remember: "Behind every good politician is a good woman and behind her is his wife."

LET'S ALL RALLY AROUND THE IMPORTANT ISSUES AS ENACTED BY OUR LEADERS:

Cowboy Poetry, Sobering Chinese Prostitutes,  and keep our Texas lakes filled with local yachts.

Now that's what I call leading by example.  Hoo Rah

ALREADY BACK PEDDLING ON USAMA'S DEATH

Normally, my blogs are laced with humor.  The below actions of the White House have infuriated me. 

Jay Carney, the White House Press Secretary has made statements today that Usama Bin Laden was not
armed when he was shot by the Navy Seal team.  He further stated that UBL did resist this action, and that "resistance does not require him being armed."

"Carney said the decision to kill rather than capture bin Laden was made by forces on the ground, not by the White House, which earlier authorized the rehearsed raid that included contingincies for but no expectations of capture."  Quoting an NBC News report.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have seen pictures of the President and his staff watching this raid on a "live"satellite feed.  How did they miss these details when the President made  his statements and Mr. Carney, etal made their comments at the press conference yesterday.  I never heard any derogatory comments on this action, only praise for the President's courageous decision.

Today, the White House denies making the decision to use "deadly force"; instead those "kill crazy" Seals made the decision on the ground.  According to certain media sources,WE veterans, with our Bibles and guns, are the lunatic fringe.

The lives, limbs, and sacrifice of our Armed Forces have kept our country great from the Revolutionary war, through WWI, WWII, and continue with these heroes today.  Leadership, whether from a Sargeant in a platoon or the Captain of ship accepts total responsibility for the mission and total loyalty to his troops.

SEMPER FI TO ONE AND ALL

In my opinion, the Administrations, comments above show a total lack of leadership by the "Commander in Chief" and cowardice the defence of America.

Arthur Cantrell

May 1st

Hitler died:  May 1, 1945
Bin Laden died:  May 1, 2011
Charlie Sheen's Divorce is final:  May 1, 2011

A coincidence?   I don't think so!!!!

Songs for the Day

Let's follow the bouncing ball and all sing:  "Usama lies under the Ocean"

I got some special covert intel, that states the CIA got the address from Godfather's Pizza

This could really help Herman Cain's campaign.

Hoo Rah

To all our veterans and active military, with a special salute of appreciation for our covert operatives in the Navy Seals and Marine Corps..

Semper Fi

Hats

In the fifties, it was common for American men and women to wear hats.  This fashion trend, like so many others was terminated when politicians/celebrities showed us a path of nonconformity.
In the thirties, all men wore Tee shirts, under their dress or casual shirts.  Clark Gable shocked the nation by barring his chest in a famous 1939 movie.  Tee shirt sales plummeted. 

Hats met their end when JFK was inaugurated topless.  Not only did this debilitate the Hat industry, but it gave men the freedom to no longer enter Ladies hat stores and make the nauseating decision whether his wife would prefer a bird's nest, wax fruit salad, or mosquito netting for their
nearly forgotten anniversary present.

But, HORROR OF HORRORS, is the hat back.   At the royal wedding this week, grotesque coifs (now known as "Fascinators") appeared everywhere.  One woman was dressed all in royal blue from heels to dress to gloves and finally what appeared to be a squashed grape or airport windsock on her head.  A royal princess appeared to be wearing "antlers".  I would advise her during "moose" season to stay as far away as possible from Sara Palin.

This just might be the last straw (no pun intended) to either boost or destroy our economy.  The priorities of men and women will be tested again with another item of need.  The old Mars/Venus syndrome. 

I know at my house, when I state I am off to buy some necessary snake bite medicine (Scotch) or need to replenish our ammunition supply; I get "the look" and lecture on wasting money.  Heaven forbid I should question the necessity of fresh flowers, catnip, or now a new hat. 
What is "fascinating" for women is "fodder" for male cocktail conversation.

So beware and be ready.  Those joyous days of "topless" delight are over. 

Does Walmart sell "straw skimmers' or "Fedoras"?