WAS THAT THUNDER???

Whether you are listening to the radio or watching television, it is apparent, we can never get away from the plethora of advertisements on the advantages of a healthy diet. From omega-3 to flaxseed, we are inundated with miracle cures and additives. The miracle food source in my household appears to be “fiber”.

This natural gift from Mother Nature comes in many forms and flavors.  Beans, cabbage, broccoli, cereals, and other less flavorful fiber sources, often have the consistency of cardboard or Styrofoam. Although they may be low-calorie, they must be anointed with enough fatty butters, or sauces to hide their natural lack of taste. Fiber is the natural chimney sweep of our intestinal tracts. They diligently removes those nasty little toxins which metamorphose a man's youthful six-pack to an old man's beer barrel belly.

Our loved ones, as well as, medicinal pitchmen through all the Medias are highly concerned about our regularity. If we are not as regular as a Rolex, our eyes will bulge, our tempers flare, and life as we know it on Earth will cease to exist. However, that superhero of digestion, fiber, will save the day. Luckily, my friends and family do not wish me to become the ogre of irregularity, and as such; I am fed enough fiber to sustain a Clydesdale.  It would not surprise me, if one evening for dinner, I simply have a bale of hay on my plate.

As all good remedies have side effects, so does fiber. The most frequent and common effect of fiber was eternally inscribed to us by an anonymous first grader; when he quoted the immortal words.

“Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot.”

This inopportune event can occur at the most embarrassing moments; the silence in church, or riding an elevator. It most often occurs while relaxing at home with ones loving spouse. It is a scientific fact, that the amount of fiber ingested is directly proportionate to the output’s magnitude.  In order to avoid embarrassment, I normally ask if anyone else “heard the thunder”. Evidently, on one occasion, the impending storm caused my neighbor to run out of his house, look at the sky, and immediately put the top up on his convertible.

As we become, seasoned citizens, it is imperative to watch our weight and eat a healthy, balanced diet. Living in the southwest, Texas, we are all familiar with and used to the numerous spring thunderstorms. So if you wish to have a quiet spring, resign yourself to having a chubby hubby.  If you want, a sagging skinny soul mate, always remember these loving words:

“Was that thunder?????”